A confusing message or an unanswered call can leave you wondering what to do next. A useful question is often more specific than “What are they really thinking?” You might want to decide whether to suggest a date, ask for clarity or step back from a connection that feels one-sided.
Below, Lainie St. Clair shares a college dating experience and her personal approach to making contact. The email advice details and preparation guide follow the story.
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A college dating story
My first day on campus my freshman year at college, I saw a guy who took my breath away. It was the first time I felt the proverbial “love at first sight.” He nodded at me and barely smiled, but my heart was racing. I had to find out who he was!
As time passed,our paths crossed several times on campus. I muttered an occasional “hello,” sometimes with a smile. He was in a fraternity, so every chance I got I attended their parties, but I could only swoon from afar. I could never muster the courage to talk to him.
A friend got tired of hearing about how much I liked him, so when we saw him at a bar, she dragged him over to me and introduced us. He smiled, shook my hand, and asked me to dance.
The night passed in a happy blur. He stayed by my side, refilled my drinks, sat close to me, and walked with me to my car, where we exchanged numbers. I was so happy—it was obviously the start of a beautiful relationship!
…or not.
Time passed, but he never called. When he saw me out and about on campus, he’d nod. That was all. No smile, no wave.
I told some friends about the wonderful night I had the week before, and how sad I was that he hadn’t called. One friend’s boyfriend said, “Call him. Maybe he’s afraid to make a move.”
So I did. It didn’t go well.
He answered the phone. I said, “Hi, it’s Lainie.”
He said, “Who?”
We mumbled through a minute or two of awkward conversation. Then he said his roommate needed the phone, so he’d call back later. Of course he never did.
I was crushed. We never had a relationship. But that guy did me a favor by never calling back. He wasn’t interested in me. It took me a while to get over that. But at least he didn’t take advantage of my feelings for him, or pretend that he was attracted to me. I would have been more hurt if we hooked up and then he never talked to me again.
A personal approach to making contact
After my epic fail with that guy in college, I never made the first call to a guy again. I’m happy to report, the strategy worked well for me throughout the years I dated.
That is one person’s experience and preference. Making a respectful first call or sending a message does not, by itself, spoil a potential relationship or show a lack of self-respect. Anyone can express interest, and the other person can accept, decline or leave the invitation unanswered.
You can choose an approach that fits your values while noticing how the connection develops. The aim is to make room for mutual interest and clear choices, without making your worth depend on who texts first.
Looking for mutual interest
A single message, delay or friendly evening rarely settles what a person wants. Consider the pattern and what you can ask directly.
- Look for follow-through. If you suggest meeting, do they respond to the invitation and help make a plan? If they are unavailable, do they offer an alternative? You can notice effort without treating one slow reply as proof of a hidden motive.
- Make room for a clear answer. “I enjoyed seeing you. Would you like to meet for coffee next week?” gives the other person something specific to answer. You do not need to design a message that makes rejection impossible.
- Respect a decline or continued lack of response. You can step back without arguing for a chance or repeatedly contacting them. Our guide to handling rejection without blame or pressure offers more support.
- Notice your own experience. Ask whether the communication feels respectful, whether your expectations have been discussed and whether the effort feels workable for you. A connection can be disappointing without either person being a villain.
How email dating advice works
I work with dating-coaching clients and offer advice by email for specific dating questions. You can write up to 500 words, allowing room for the relevant backstory. I will respond with my advice within 36 hours, detailing what I think you should or shouldn’t do.
Use the contact page to ask about rates and arrange the service. Before sharing a personal account, ask any questions you have about how the service will work and how your information will be handled. A reply can offer a perspective on your choices; it cannot establish another person’s private thoughts or guarantee an outcome.
Preparing a useful question
Within the 500-word limit, focus on what would help someone understand the decision you are facing.
- Brief context: how you know each other and the kind of connection you are considering.
- Observable events: what was said or done, with enough timing to make the sequence clear. Distinguish what happened from your interpretation.
- Your needs: what you want, what feels uncomfortable and what you have already communicated.
- One main question: for example, whether to make an invitation, how to state a boundary or how to respond to inconsistent plans.
Leave out passwords, financial details and identifying information about other people that is unnecessary to the question. You can describe a conversation without forwarding intimate pictures. If you want a starting point before contacting anyone, the everyday relationship questions guide can help you organise your thoughts.
For threats, pressure or immediate safety concerns, seek appropriate specialist support for that situation. Our guide to intimate-image requests and boundaries includes reporting and support resources.